It’s been quiet over here on my blog. To be honest, I have felt like I had lost my voice. What I have come to realise is, like an ocean has high and low tide, I feel as though that is the perfect way to describe the ‘going on’ inside my head. Mirroring the ocean, the high tide represents my thoughts screaming to be expressed, low tide where they just surface and I wonder if they are worth giving a voice.
For months I have been traveling inward. Listening to the messages I receive and acting upon them even when they are confronting and scary. I wasn’t sure if this space was the place to give my thoughts a voice? After all my pondering, I decided this was the perfect space to let my words soar.
I think it all began when Parker was 6 months old. I was wrestling with the ‘old’ body syndrome. I was no longer my old body and I was in a body that didn’t feel at all like me. Flesh was thick, I was uncomfortable and most of all, I was struggling with the enormous love and gratitude I had for my body giving me another gift (our baby), but I couldn’t get past the thick flesh and all I wanted to do was hide. What if someone noticed the weight I had gained, and thats when I decided that going out was too hard for me emotionally.
It wasn’t until I embarked seeking a Wellness Coach that beautiful Amelia listened and asked me the question, ‘who is Belinda without all the roles and all the labels?’ It was then I no longer felt shameful for my feelings and I cried. I cried for what seemed like hours. I was once sure of who I was and now I was navigating my way to find myself and it was daunting. A beautiful messy picture. I am imperfect and I am perfectly me. Those months ago I had thicker flesh, sadder eyes but knowing I could return home to me was exciting. All the answers I need to know were within and that’s when the high tide wasn’t as loud and calmer waters followed.
For five months yoga and mediation have been my constant. It was really there on my mat emotions purged when I could not do an upward facing dog and opening my chest hurt and coming through my vinyassa with a heaver body was difficult. I felt like I was suffocating and that was when I fell to my mat and cried. Tears of frustration, tears of suppression and tears of loss. My gorgeous yoga teacher in her soft voice helped me to child’s pose as my body felt paralysed and gently rested her hand on my back saying the words, ‘It’s just a story, it’s not real’. She repeated again and again.
After that class the unraveling really began. I really began honouring me. It became less about the weight and more about self-love. I recall another yoga class when my yoga teacher quoted Kurt Cobain ‘wanting to be someone else is a wast of who you are’. I removed myself from people that I felt I couldn’t be wholeheartedly who I was. It suddenly became less about them and more about me, I became angry at how I have allowed loved ones to treat me, I spoke gentle with myself and the words I expressed started to shift.
A few weeks ago I stepped completely out of my comfort zone, hopped on a plane and went to Melbourne. It was there I really opened up. I opened to a knowing of what I truly deserve.
It began in yoga class. Tam and I rolled out our mats looking at the beautiful serene ocean and I knew I was where I needed to me. On my mat I was excited to share this space with Tam and once it wore off and I was challenged in the class I became unsure? I saw my reflection in the mirror and I was disappointed. I was disappointed that I weighed myself on scales that morning… I never do. I was disappointed that whilst I had lost a lot of weight I told myself it wasn’t enough. It was looking back at my reflection that I saw a glimpse of a girl months ago buried in shame and it was when after class the yoga teacher told me she dedicated the class to me, I smiled politely and when I walked out the door I became angry. Angry that I spoke to myself the way I would speak to no other, and it was during that day that ‘old’ eating habits tried to creep in. I was incredibly grateful that my darling friend saw right through me, asking me questions and when I requested for her to take me to McDonalds she stopped the car in front of an organic store.
We came home with beautiful nourishing food and I asked Tam to message her yoga teacher for me. When Rita replied with ‘She can handle most of the things (life and yoga) but she needs to believe she can’. I stood there in the kitchen and cried. I gulped through words that have been suppressed for years, Tam held my hand and asked me what I needed and I responded with, ‘a bath’.
It was lying in water, my comfortable that I knew that hiding the parts of me doesn’t serve me or anyone. It was lying in water looking down at my naked body I was actually honouring it. I am honouring all my little releases, I am honouring it every time I practise yoga, I honour it every time I fuel it with whole foods and all those months of struggle, moving forward need to be celebrated. Striving for perfection or caring what other people think is completely irrelevant. I am the only opinion that matters and watching my thoughts, realising when they are serving me for my highest good will always alter my chapter of life. And the beautiful part, it can always be rewritten.